Hello Everyone! I interrupt your normal programming of baby entries for a rare personal entry about me. Moving to Japan seemed like another dream come true, a chance to expand my horizons literally and figuratively, an opportunity to explore new lands, cultures, and people, and also find myself.

Little did I know that I would not only stray far from home, but I would totally lose myself. The culture and language barrier, the loneliness and isolation, the life changing events of having a baby and getting married, the uncertainty about my future due to visa restrictions and a pandemic. The culmination of all that occurring in a short span of two years caused me to completely lose sight of who I was and prevented me from becoming who I wanted to be. 

Living for two years in survival mode caused me to flip inside out. I tolerated toxicity because I was lonely, settled for less because I was afraid of change in a foreign land, constantly doubting myself because I was in a foreign country and not fluent in the language, and I found myself two years into being in Japan, unable to recognize the women in the mirror, and not in a good way.

Instead of growing spiritually, being fulfilled, healthy, and grateful, I had grown into an unhappy, self-doubting, low self-esteem, zero motivation shell of a human being, and thankfully it made me SICK TO MY STOMACH. The lack of self was literally making me physically ill, where I couldn't sleep, my stomach hurt and I was having aches and pains in places I've never had them before. And that is when I knew I had to change. 

Fortunately, my pioneer spirit, the spirit that brought me over 3000 miles away from home never left me, and my new drive to be a good role model for my daughter had me sitting down at 2AM in the morning reassessing myself, my values, and my future. 

And it was painful, and I wanted to deny everything and blame everyone else for putting me through so much hardship, but it is always darkest before dawn, and I was willing to embrace that darkness in order to appreciate the light. It's necessary growth, and maturity to be able to take responsibility for your life and choices, and situation, even if it isn't your fault. And taking that responsibility hurts at first but then comes sweet relief knowing you have the choice and power to change how things end.

I spent weeks reading books about values, purposes, personality, and I realized that I lost my internal compass. Who am I? Where am I? Who do I want to be? What did I value? Why did every decision I make seem so hard? Why did I care so much about the opinion of others? Why did I suddenly have the motivation to do something and then lose it just as fast? And the most important question of them all...

What message am I/will I be sending to my daughter. And not knowing that question broke me.

And that's what forced me to reign in my lost soul and cleanse it of all the toxicity, heavy guilt, and crushing instability and I wrote downand redefined four of my core values. I pulled them from the depth of my heart and made a concrete and clear decision to live by these principles for the rest of my life. And no, I did not pull these values out of hat or copy them from my favorite self-help guru. These values were the values that were formed when I was a little girl, the values that were made by my most pure being, but over the years and decades, they ended up being challenged, deformed, and discarded in the rat race of today's society. 

But, at the age of 32, I am proud to have my compass back, and I am proud to have made the first step to becoming the Angela that I envisioned myself being. The Angela that I can show up for and can answer to anyone. 

So, please read my values here, and join me on this journey back to our true selves in future blog posts!